Mimi Nicklin, an empathy coach, keynote speaker and best-selling author of Softening The Edge, believes the way to avoid explosive rows ruining Christmas Day is to first of all accept they will happen. “We need to recognise we’re bound to have disagreements at Christmas, because arguing is part of being human,” says Nicklin.
“Arguing often gets a very bad rap for good reason. It can be contentious and uncomfortable, but actually it’s an important part of communicating. What I teach people is that it’s about how you argue versus trying to avoid arguing altogether.”
Here she shares ways to navigate festive feuds and come out happier.
Don’t try to avoid the inevitable
Conflict can feel uncomfortable. As human beings, we avoid discomfort at all costs. We don’t like to be uncomfortable and our brain responds to stress in a certain way.
So when you’re under stress because someone has an opinion you don’t like, it creates anxiety. Your brain then releases hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, and they shut down parts of your brain responsible for cognitive thought.
The brain is in a flight or fight state and so you are unable to be emotionally stable and rational in the moment. Your body has been put into panic mode and is getting ready to run or fight. This means we don’t argue very well. We say things we don’t mean in a panic and make sweeping statements. People feel they don’t express themselves well so go about trying to avoid arguments.
See the other point of view
Listening enables you to build bridges and create peace between people. Striving to find joy, peace and a middle ground between us and the people we care about couldn’t be more important at this time of year. But listening, or empathy, has two great enemies – low time and high stress. At Christmas, we have high levels of stress due to our high expectations. We put a lot of pressure on the celebrations to be perfect.
See the bigger picture
When you are going into an argument, try not to make it about the person, but about what they are saying. Listen for the information, not for the emotion. First, try to really understand the context of the dispute and go wide, because the conversation at hand is very rarely the full picture. Then acknowledge how the other person is feeling before you try to fix things or share your opinion. I often say to people that acknowledgement is more powerful than action.
Listen to understand
As a person gives their viewpoint, remember to specifically listen to understand, versus listening to reply. Often, when you are hearing an argument in your mind, you’re not actually hearing the other person anymore because you’re ready and waiting to reply. Try to listen to really understand what you are arguing about.
Learn to tolerate differences
We’re emotional beings, so it’s really hard to see the other person’s point of view in a conflict situation, especially where there is a huge difference of perspective or opinion. But that’s not a bad thing. We are a diverse group of humans and we are not all going to see the world the same way. Use empathy to avoid judgement and remember, you do not need to agree with someone to understand them or to move on from your dispute.
Find ways to stay calm
It sounds simple, but taking deep breaths is one way of slowing down your nervous system and to feel calmer quickly. When you are in that heightened panic state, your brain is clouded and you’re unable to understand anything. We don’t like discomfort and we also don’t like risk. Often, when someone disagrees with you, you’re at risk of losing whatever it is that’s important to you. The other person is also at risk of losing whatever it is that’s important to them. And when you have two people in a risk state, it’s hard for either of you to find any composure to listen to each other. Be the one to bring calm to the situation.
Curiosity kills the conflict
People often provoke or create arguments because they want to be heard. If you can, go into those arguments asking yourself ‘why is this person attacking me right now? What are they trying to achieve? What do they want me to understand?’ If you are able to be more curious about their side of the argument, this can help defuse the situation. If you can invest in understanding rather than in being defensive, conflict often fizzles.
Be comfortable with silence
During any rows, have patience and be comfortable with silence and let the other person speak. Holding silence is the highest form of sophistication in a debate or an argument. If you can hold silence, the other person will fill it. And if you let them continue to fill it, they will eventually run out of things to say and that diffuses the argument.
Ask questions in response
When the other person is in full flow saying, ‘you did this, and you did that’, if you can come back with questions it improves your empathy and ability to understand. So ask things like – ‘can you help me understand why you think that’s a problem?’ ‘Can you tell me why that makes you feel so angry?’ Or ‘is there a reason you really want me to understand this right now over Christmas lunch or can we talk about it later?’ It’s not foolproof, but it can help.
If someone storms out
This depends on the person who is leaving and why they are leaving, but look at the signs someone is trying to show you when they exit an argument. It could be that they are leaving because they’re exhausted and feel you’re winning. Perhaps they feel they don’t have anything else to say and need some space. In this case, give it to them.
If you have said something the other person found hurtful and they are leaving because of deep sadness or pain, then it might be best to follow them and offer some support. It’s wise to check if a person exiting the discussion is safe. Have they left the house? Are they right in the mind? Do they need space or comfort or safety? Follow up on this.
Act as a mediator
If you are in a situation where a row breaks out on Christmas Day, help diffuse it by sharing how it makes you feel. For example, say: ‘Watching you guys argue is making me feel disappointed. Can I suggest you have this conversation another time?’ I can’t say enough that when people feel heard, arguments diffuse. It’s everything. There are rarely ever any winners.
See conflict as an opportunity
Arguments are a really important vehicle to allow you to have deeper understanding, greater trust and more authentic connections. They can be an opportunity to communicate needs, frustrations, desires and values. So while you might want to dissipate the argument over the Christmas table, because the children are there and your mum is getting upset, it might be worth revisiting the issues later on to gain understanding and avoid negativity building up over the year.