Christmas can be thrilling for children, but it can also present a challenge to parents who worry that the consumerism of this time of year might be spoiling their offpsring. Communications executive Samantha*, 44, from Northampton, tells i about her mortifying realisation that her seven-year-old and 11-year-old are unbearable on 25 December.
I don’t know how this happened, but the older my children get, the less likeable they are at Christmas. Most of the year they’re good kids, and they can be lovely, thoughtful and kind. But at Christmas, I find them increasingly spoilt, rude and ungrateful.
Last year on Christmas Day, my seven-year-old son was misbehaving. I told him to stop, and he said, “Well, I’ve got all my presents now, so I don’t need to!” He also just looked at the Harry Potter figures I’d painstakingly researched and said, “I didn’t want those ones,” chucking them aside.
The 11-year-old wasn’t any better. He tore through gifts, barely giving them a second glance, not saying thank you, with a look of disdain on his face, as if I’d given him a wrapped up satsuma as his main present.
From the stockings to their presents, they seemed fairly unimpressed, and anything they were excited by in the first five seconds, they were quickly bored with. The older one’s response to a game we bought him was: “Oh great, you got me the old one.” I really didn’t like him in that moment.
I obviously love my kids, but seeing them like this at Christmas makes me want to ransack their rooms, and give everything they own away to charity to teach them a lesson. I worry that I’ve accidentally turned them into Christmas monsters, and it makes me enjoy Christmas so much less than when they were really tiny and easily excited by even something as simple as a saucepan they could bang with a stick. Things have really changed!
I am considering massively reducing what we spend this year, and somehow trying to re-shape their expectations. My husband and I tend to spend around £100 on each child: main present, a few little bits, and a stocking. We earn reasonable amounts of money, and this is doable for us. But I am starting to wonder if it’s not only a waste of money, it’s also somehow ruining the kids.
When I see the children being like this at Christmas, I feel annoyed with myself and with them (and with our consumerist culture, which I’ve fallen headfirst into). But I also feel embarrassed because we usually have other family there, too, and I worry they’ll think our children are awful.
Last year my mother-in-law, who I have a fairly good relationship with, looked a bit shocked by the kids’ behaviour. She’s never stern with them, but it’s the closest I’ve seen her get. A particularly low moment was when they opened presents from her and the seven-year-old crinkled his nose and said he already had something similar, before rushing to unwrap the next thing. I was mortified. I worry she thinks I’ve ruined them – it always seems to be the mum’s fault, doesn’t it? Or at least, that’s what I worry she’ll think.
The thing is, I have always taught my kids to say ‘thank you’, and I’ve tried not to overload them with toys, not make them materialistic. Before I had my own children, I judged other parents who had ungrateful-seeming kids. My husband thinks I’m overreacting a bit; he says it’s normal for them to be a bit bratty at Christmas, that it’s all the sugar and excitement. Their behaviour doesn’t seem to affect him much, but I hate it and I don’t like being the bad cop at what is meant to be this ‘magical’ time of year. He just rolls his eyes, and laughs, or sometimes will half-heartedly tell them to “not be so rude”.
My friend says I probably mind more than my husband because I put the thought and care into working out what to buy the children in the first place, and I take on the feeling of responsibility for everyone having a lovely time and getting the things they want.
This same friend had a similar situation with her kids, and she started a one-present-in, one-present-out system at Christmas. She also told relatives not to buy her children any birthday presents, and just come round for tea instead. It sounds like quite a drastic approach, and I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to do that, but it seems to be working. I admire her for sticking to her principles.
As Christmas approaches, I find myself looking around the house with a sense of dread at all the stuff we have, and the idea that the children are going to get even more, and that I’ll resent their attitude on what is meant to be a nice family day. I’m going to have to do something to make some changes.
I don’t want to be a Scrooge or make my kids feel like they don’t have the cool things their friends have, but I want them to understand that presents are a luxury, not a right.
And more than anything else, I want to like my children at Christmas.